Love n' Light...whatever.

You ever have one of those days where the world just seems to suck?

Is it a good idea to blog right now?  Probably not...but here goes...

A few months back, right when this seemingly never ending winter set in, I pulled back from social media, a hectic work schedule and a rushed life in general.  I nestled contentedly into home life for a while.  No gigs, no traveling, no Facebooking, no coffee dates.  Just me, my little family and my creativity and thoughts.  

During that time of quiet, there was much contemplation about where my spiritual journey was headed and what things would look like in 2014.  I felt change.  Big change.  Not just for me, but for many.  

I felt something stirring in the still of winter.  A low rumbling.  Discontent and an almost urgency to figure out what was coming next.  These rumblings of change kept getting louder as the months progressed and although I could not pinpoint what it meant exactly, it felt quite unsettling.  Something was happening.  A bigger shift was occurring.  The world was taking a leap in its conscious evolution, its own Awakening.  Something was different.

When I poked my nose out of hibernation, and jumped back into the world of social media.  Something HAD changed.  Many of the sites I'd been quietly observing had skyrocketed in 'Likes'.  The number of people participating in conversations had grown exponentially.  And people who I never thought were 'into' the ideas I was 'into' were speaking their own truth, and imagine my elation when they agreed with some of the thoughts I'd had myself.  I felt I'd been missing out on something amazing that had occurred in my quiet time!  Then, I realized something distressing.  Why had I been a quiet observer on those pages before?  What had I been afraid of?  What stopped me from commenting and participating?  Why all of the sudden, when others I knew were talking about this stuff, did I feel it was finally okay for me to do it too?

Uh oh.  Moment of hard reality.  

If you're not speaking your truth because you're waiting for someone else to do it first, who the hell have you become, Lisa?  That's not the girl I'd prided myself on being.  I've always been a trailblazer, an oddball thinker, a 'nutter' in my ideas.  Suddenly, I saw myself in a light I didn't really care for.  I'd become a conformer (gasp).  Someone worried about the opinions of others and swallowing down far too many thoughts, ideas and opinions because I was afraid I'd not be seen as a good "Lightworker".  I'd be seen as someone who was giving into fear based thinking, spreading too much negativity and was undeserving of calling themselves spiritual teacher.  Ugh.  UGH!

An interesting side affect of all this realization...waves of overwhelming shame and guilt.  

  

"Lisa, maintain your energy."  "Keep your focus on the highest energy, stay positive."  "Don't feed the fear."  "What you think about grows, be mindful of what you're creating."  "You know better than this!"  "Stay in the Light!"

You know what I'm talking about, right?  

All the things we tell ourselves as we walk this spiritual journey and we get stuck in old patterns.  

We are learning all these fabulous tips to heal.  To shift our thinking.  To create a new reality. So when some of the shadow thoughts present themselves, we kick ourselves a little for not doing better.  For getting wrapped up in 'old thinking'.  Anyone? 

I decided I had to make some changes.  And...I did.  I am mindful of how wrapped up I'd gotten in my 'persona' and how concerned I had become with the opinions of others.  I continue to grow each day, appreciative of all I'm learning and so grateful for the lessons I receive.  Own ALL facets of Lisa.  Not just the pretty, fluffy ones, but also the rough, darker aspects.  I strive daily to live a bit more authentically than I did the day before.  

And that rumbling of change?

I feel it.  And it's growing louder.  

So now what?!  The world is changing.  Systems are being challenged and falling.  Many are waking from the illusions.  They're questioning.  The people are demanding change.  Countries revolting.  And dammit, I'm an activist at heart!  I'm a truth-teller.  I'm a digger.  I'm a change-maker.  I'm a provocateur!

But...but...but...I'm a Lightworker!  Oh, the conundrum.  

I have always been resistant to the label Lightworker.  It sounds all light and fluffy, and I imagine I might be pictured floating a bit above the earth with butterflies fluttering around my silvery hair.  *insert choirs of angels singing here*  

Ahem.

YES, it's important to understand energy and frequency and to be mindful of what you're attracting.  

YES, the tools we've all acquired on the journey as Lightworkers are powerful, life-changing gifts.

YES, spreading the word on the importance of knowing you're in charge of your own energy is huge.

YES, living in dialogue with our guides, angels and God is a tremendous help as we walk this earth having our human experience.

Important stuff.  I'm deeply grateful for all I've learned.

But.

What about the call to service on other levels?  What about the truth-tellers, the activists, the protesters, the whistle-blowers?  Are they not bringing Light to the world as well?  Do they not deserve just as much credence if not *more* than the ones who are skipping merrily along focusing solely on the love n' light?

What happened to the balance?  Yin/Yang.  Light/Dark.  Masculine/Feminine.  

Can we really evolve as a human race if all we're doing is teaching Light Light Light and the darker shadowy stuff we feel we 'shouldn't' talk about keeps on happening while we look the other way?

I feel I must not be the only one who has struggled with some of these thoughts:  Dare I share something I'm very passionate about?  Will I look too pessimistic?  If I comment on this Facebook post, will it seem I'm always the naysayer or bringer of doom?  Will people think I've gone off the deep end if they know I believe this?  Will my credibility as a genuine spiritual being be questioned?

I want to bring Light to the world.  I will continue to bring Light.  But some random Tuesday it may come in the form of protesting for gender equality, on Thursday it may be by teaching Reiki, on Friday it may be a post on my page about religion, and on Sunday it may be by serving lunch at the mission.  But one thing I know for sure is that I'm done with the shame of it all.  

I suck at following rules.  I suck at listening to authority.  If someone in authority tells me something is a *truth*...I'm on it.  Nothing is truth.  It's what a majority of folks decided, but that does not make it true for everyone.  I suppose I'm an anarchist. (Oh!)    

I've never been able to understand why we blindly follow things we're told.  Without question.  Yes, we're indoctrinated from birth to follow authority.  They know best.  It's in our best interest to listen to the professionals.  But then we became free-thinking adults.  Free.  Thinking.  

Why not start questioning?

Because someone is in authority or a professional, perhaps we should ask what made them in authority or professionals in the first place?  Because they studied a specific curriculum?  Does that mean if a dentist is a professional in his field, he knows everything about teeth?  No.  He knows what he was taught.  In a formal, traditional western-schooled setting.  Not holistic.  Not eastern traditions.  Not energetic techniques.  He followed a set curriculum and can test on it, repeat it, and practice it verbatim.  But, it certainly does not mean he knows everything about teeth.  He practices his profession based on what he's been taught.  

That is all. 

Listen to your elected officials.  Why?  Because they told us it made us patriotic and good citizens.  Listen to the church of your upbringing.  Why?  Because they told us we'd go to hell if we didn't.  Listen to the politicians.  Why?  Because you have to be on one side or the other, and if you don't participate at all you must be ignorant.

Listen to the FDA, USDA, and the pharmaceutical companies.  Why?  Because they know what's best for us.

Listen to CNN, FOX, ABC, MSNBC.  Why?  Because they are your trusted news sources.

I.  Don't.  Get.  It.

We've been told for too long to go along and don't rock the boat.  A woman is a femiNAZI if she speaks of equality.  You are unAmerican if you protest war.  You are a socialist if you feel we should help the poor, sick and hungry.  You're a neglectful parent if you opt out of poison-filled vaccines.  You're shamed if you say you don't want to slice a piece of your son's penis off as a newborn.  Hide yourself if you breastfeed, it makes other uncomfortable.  If you ask for independent inquiries into government lies we've been fed, you're a crazy conspiracy theorist.  You're too sensitive if you think we should be mindful of racial slurs, developmental slurs or using groups of human beings as names of sports teams.  

It goes on and on.  Sit down and shut up.

On March 8th, just three days ago, it was International Women's Day.  You probably did not know this, because mainstream media had nothing about it.  I'm going to post a link and I invite you to read the article.  View the pictures.  Note the MANY countries around the world that had 1000's upon 1000's of women and men alike marching for women's issues/rights/awareness.  Did we see a thing in our country?  No.  When I saw the pics of cities all over the world with people coming together to create change, I thought, surely one of the corporate media giants would have at least something.  Not one thing.  The entire first page of Google was independent news sources.

See what set me off HERE

This pisses me off.  We are being spoon fed what they want us to see.  

Mainstream media is a joke.  Celebrity scandals and political division.  Pitting one against the other, all in an attempt to keep us hating the side we are not on.  

Divide and Distract.  It's working.
How about this...
Question things.  Question it all.  Yes, even Snopes.  Where is the money trail there?

When we finally stop blindly accepting what we're being fed, things will really move forward.

Do your research and see what you find for yourself.  

Hit the web.  

Find some great independent news sources and read what other global news outlets are saying.
Not one source, lots.  Discern.  Follow your gut. 

Finally, can we talk?  You share your ideas, I will share mine.  Let's stop worrying about what others might think.  What if when you share your thought, you've just given someone else the freedom to finally speak up and share the exact same thought they've been fearful of sharing.  Let the doubters talk.  Let the haters hate.  Let the naysayers nay.  Who cares.
Let's just talk.  The world needs dialogue in respectful, loving conversations.  To help the others come forward.  To grow the collective consciousness.  To change the world.  It's time.

Okay...rant done.  I need tea.

Go ahead...rub me the wrong way.

Trigger me...it's fine.  

Irritate me, even better. 

Piss me off, now we're getting somewhere.  

Infuriate me, oh, this is the good stuff.

Truly.  I welcome it.  I've come to understand and even embrace these moments for what they are.  Gifts.  Chances for me to see how I react and respond differently than I used to.  These opportunities allow me to gauge my growth, to see how I'm progressing on this journey.

I've not always thought this.  Ahem.  No, this has taken many grudges, arguments, tears, and temper tantrums.  But I've come to understand something about myself along the way.

See, when somebody says something that hurts me, questions my belief system, or challenges my current understanding, it's not about me.  Seriously, it's not personal.  

It honestly has nothing to do with me.  It is theirs.  All theirs.  Their belief.  Their truth.  From their lifetime of experiences, it is their reality.  AND...it's divine and perfect for them.

Here is the fun part.  *I* get to choose...or NOT choose to accept it as mine.  If I don't like it, if it doesn't fit, I simply don't take it on.  I don't take it as personal.  They can keep it, it's okay.  

Then I let it go.

I think sometimes we tend to get stuck on this part.  We hear a new piece of information, an opinion, a perspective and immediately going into defense mode.  "No, that's not true."  

"How stupid, where did you come up with that?"  "I do not!"  "That's weird, yuck."  

"I'd NEVER do something like that, it's wrong."

Hear all that judgment?  Ouch.

I LOVE that we don't need to define, label, or accept anything anyone else offers us.  We can simply allow someone to believe what they believe.  Without having to defend our belief or opinion about it.

One of my favorite stories I share with people in my work goes like this:  If you're standing in line waiting for something, and the person in front of you drops their bag, do you pick it up and rummage around in it, and keep its contents for yourself?  

Or would you tap them on the shoulder and give them back the bag they dropped?

Of course you'd give them back the bag!  

(To whomever shared this with me along the way...THANK YOU!)

So, why oh why, do we pick up people's 'bags' (beliefs/opinions/perspectives) so often and keep them for ourselves!?

They dropped their bag (belief/opinion/perspective).  Kindly hand it back to them and say, 

"Here, this belongs to you."  

It. Is. Not. Yours.

I used to be easily provoked into confrontation.  I'm a work in progress, but for the most part I really do my best to handle things differently now.  

It can be quite intriguing how my refusal to join an argument can tick folks off sometimes.   

I've gotten pretty adept at smiling and saying, "Interesting.  I've never thought about that before."  "Hm, there is a different concept."  "What a great world to be able to have so much diversity!"

Holding that new space creates freedom.  A space of open dialogue.  A space for the other person to speak their truth without fear of judgment.  A space of compassion and empathy.  

It also reminds me that I can change.  I can grow.  I can react in a new way.  

I can allow another being an opportunity to simply be who they are and to believe what they believe.  That feels pretty alright to me. :)

I challenge you to listen differently today.  

There is a great quote by Stephen R. Covey that states, 

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."

There is some serious power in that statement.  If you're in disagreement with someone, challenged by their belief or opinion...unless your words will be delivered with love and compassion, don't immediately reply.  Ask yourself if there is a need TO reply or defend.  Or can you just allow that person their opinion?  Can you entertain their idea without accepting it as yours?

Oh, the liberation you feel as you start practicing this.  It's pretty sweet.

On the flip side...don't forget to speak your opinions and beliefs.  And speak them with no attachment to how they will be received.  Do not look for approval or understanding.  If your thoughts and ideas come from your heart, then speak them with ease and grace.  Let others' reactions be their own reactions.  It's not up to you to determine if they are able to handle your truth or not.  That is theirs.    

Imagine a world filled with people who just spoke truthfully, carried themselves peacefully, listened with the intention of hearing, and loved one another for their own individuality.  

Mmhmm....that's the world I wanna live in. 

Tend your garden.  Let others garden their own way.  Oh, and watch the world bloom freely.

      

Hush, Inner critic...HUSH.

The journey of life is a constant flow of experiences and new beginnings.  Sometimes I feel as if it's a month to month adventure of new beginnings for my creative spirit.  I've spent an incredible number of years judging myself because I actually love change.  But the inner critic whispers, and sometimes screams in my ear, "Pick something and stick to it!"  "You'll never amount to anything if you don't commit to something and follow through."  "When are you going to settle down?"  

"Uff, could you be a bigger flake?"  

This winter I've been still, quiet.  Listening to that inner critic.  Wondering when she became so tough to please.  Poking around the 'feels' of it all to see if it is mine, or if I'm taking on someone else's expectations unnecessarily.  I've spent many mornings in the past few months having tea with that critic, trying to truly hear what she's got to say.

Here is what I've garnered so far.  I can love and accept my willingness and sometimes eagerness to change.  I'm okay with shifting, growing and switching things up.  Honestly, it makes me feel alive and renewed.  It brings new experiences and challenges my way, and I *loooooove* that.

What I DO judge myself for is:

1.  Worrying that others won't understand and accept me for being different (flakey?).  

2.  Constantly gauging and weighing out how much of my opinion is okay to share with others.

3.  Aiming to please others while sacrificing my own truth.  

4.  Taking responsibility for how much I feel others can handle of my truth. 

5.  Compromising my work (holding back information and suggestions) for fear of being 'too out there'.

Ugh.  Who is this person?  When did this happen?  

I've always been on a bit of a different path.  Early on, I tried my best to fit in and frankly, I just sucked at it. When I really stepped into ownership of being unique and quirky, I felt such radiance.  I twirled through life and didn't give a care what people thought when I walked out of a room.  

Somewhere in the past several years, I started holding back.  Little by little, I started standing in boxes. Limiting myself.  Smiling politely and giving people what I thought they wanted.  In the meantime, I was judging myself so harshly for being hypocritical.  I was the first to tell anyone I met, "Live your dream." "Speak your truth."  And yet, there I was, smiling politely.  I think we all do it.  In one way or another. In one situation or another.  Choosing the road of less said, do not rock the boat.  

I've got ideas about the how, why and when this occurred.  It's my process, and I will keep rooting around so as to heal it.  But, acknowledging where I am at this moment is part of moving into the next phase of growth.  I want to give more.  I want to share more.  I want to speak my observations.  I want to incite dialogue and discussion.  Talk.  Talk.  Talk.  Entertain new ideas.  Ponder new notions.

I'm grateful for the insight and understanding, and grateful for the gift of self judgement.  It makes me aware of my shadow areas that need to be loved and nurtured.  Not avoided.  Loved.  

The parts of self we sometimes deny, hide or feel guilt and shame about.  

So, thank you judgement, my old friend, for showing me a dark corner of self to shine Light upon.  

In my self assessment, I've realized it's important to honor my heart and act.  So, I'm making some changes.  I'm not sure how they'll unfold.  I'm just taking a first step.  And sharing.  

I love the power of words.  Cleansing.  Clarifying.  Solidifying.  Purging.  PURIFYING.

I'm releasing the Lisa Dawn Howard FB business page.

  

If you're called, you can follow me at a new FB page called "She UnEarthed", where I will be sharing a wide variety of topics, with more insight into who I am, and where my journey has taken me.  Some may be uncomfortable with or disagree with some of my posts.  That's okay. 

If you read the ABOUT section of "She UnEarthed" you will see where I plan to go with the page.  I'm called to speak more freely, and the word UnEarthed is a big part of the next stepping stone of my path. Or, if you'd like, you can friend request me on my personal FB page.    

In addition, I'm redefining the services I offer.  This will be different than what I've done in the past. Many elements are the same, but each session will be an integration of all aspects of my journey.  

Deeper work, more diverse, and unique to your journey.  Spirit will show the way.

If you're interested in reading more about those changes, please check out www.lisadawnhoward.com

Also, I will be offering some new classes regarding the Divine Feminine, the Ascension process, connection with the Mother and and a few other things that are in the works.  Oh, did I mention an upcoming retreat?  (woop woop!)

Finally, I can't forget the rocks.  I've been working/meditating with stones this winter and have created a new line of jewelry based on the intentions and goals you're working on.  Rites of passage, milestones, and healing.  More on that to come.  But..yeah...rocks, stones and lotsa love. :)

If you're interested in the next leg of the journey with this Creatrix of Change, welcome...let's do this. :)

Gypsy Blood: Early knowing?

I've been fascinated with Gypsy culture since...well, as long as I can remember.

A clothes hamper full of dress up clothes in our basement held several crocheted ponchos, long flowy things, belts, scarves and a world full of glamour in the mind of this little girl.  Gauzy, lacey, and bold, rich colors.  Heaven!  I remember being whooped for stealing some giant costume pieces of jewelry from a lovely older lady who used to babysit for me (Sorry Mrs.P!)  I guess at age 5 I already knew I needed the bling to make the outfits complete.  Shiny.  Mmm...pretty.

Make-up, bangles and tassels.  Bliss!

Fast forward a few years. 

I grew up in a small town, the population was 222 when I lived in Middle River, MN.  I believe it's up to 303 now!  We had 17 total students in our class.  There were only a few of us 'city kids'.  Everyone else lived in the country, so we were pretty tight.  Kathy was one of those city kids, although it was always debatable, since she was about 1/4 mile out of town and it was quite a longer bike ride to her house.  Kid logic!  But, for the most part, even though her family had the biggest chicken farm EVER, we called her city kid.

Kathy's birthday fell on October 30th, and it was truth and fact that every year we celebrated her birthday on Halloween with trick or treating followed by a sleepover.  This was not just understood, it was an event.  This was true through junior high. (Don't judge...we were small town kids, and this was, as I stated before, an EVENT.)

Now, I can't remember all the details, but I know there was some small drama about just how many gypsies were acceptable at her parties.  And I was nervous.

When the talk of a potential gypsy quota arose, I recall a feeling of urgency, I HAD to be gypsy.  The fortune teller.  Thankfully, I did survive.  Whew.

Fast forward again.

After years of decorating and dressing as I had been taught was 'normal', my divorce and journey into self provided the opportunity to toss tradition out the window and spice up my wardrobe and dwelling.  I adorned long, flowy skirts, bangles and scarves.  Lacy, bejeweled shawls and table coverings donned the walls of my apartment.  Peacock feathers, sequins and rich, velvety fabric are NECESSARY for comfort in my current world.

Today, as I'm scrolling through some of the countless Facebook pages dedicated to all things Gypsy, I notice tears rolling down my cheeks. 

Aged pictures of women with long, layered skirts, vests, heavy makeup and jewelry - Remembering. 

Traveling wagons with beads, heavy drapes and lace - Homesick. 

Circles of women in celebration of self, uncaring of society's labels, free and alive - Loneliness.

It is in that moment, when I allow myself to feel the emotions come up and identify them, that I make (what might seem obvious, but hasn't been until now) a connection.  I've always known that I would do what I am doing today.  I would BE a Gypsy.  I am a fortune telling gypsy, and have been that fortune-telling gypsy since I was a little girl.  And yes, I have likely been a fortune telling gypsy in previous lifetimes before.

I was drawn to palm reading 20 years ago.  Never, when I was still working in the 'normal' world, did I see that I'd be doing it for a living.  When I was still in fear of my calling, and tried to fit in, life never felt good.  I suffered terrible bouts of depression and anxiety.  I walked the walk others wanted me to walk, and my heart wept the tears of a caged animal.  I sought drama and chaos, not intentionally, but subconsciously, because I was bored in a life that didn't *fit*.

 

Today, I am overwhelmingly, profoundly grateful for my unique life.  When I do not live my truth...I suffer.  When I do live my truth...I soar.

See...

I AM Gypsy.  Seer.  Healer.  WildWoman.  Goddess.  Bohemian.  Witch.  Non-Conformer.  Flower Child.  Roamer.  Seeker.  Priestess.  Free Spirit.  SHE is my calling, and I am SHE.

These fierce, strong women have been labeled, condemned and feared.  Their power and ownership of SELF is daunting and frightening to those who would have women tamed.  I will never be tamed.  I walk my life freely, authentically and unapologetically.  I AM Gypsy.



Yoga...with Curves and Fear.

 

A few weeks ago I had tea with a beautiful soul.  She is my friend, could sit easily in the palm of my hand, (well, not quite, but she's just cute and petite as can be) and she teaches yoga.  She also radiates.  I could finish that sentence as 'she radiates joy'...or 'she radiates peace'...or 'she radiates love',  but that would lessen her glow.  She radiates.  Period.
We were discussing a variety of things, and having a nice visit, when the words fell right out of my face, "Would you ever consider doing some private yoga lessons with me?  I can't make my big body move the way they tell me to in the videos."  (Who.  Just.  Said.  That.)

Once the words were released into the Universe, this lovely soul says to me, "Of course."

Uff Da.

I put on a good face, thanked her and we set up a few dates.  Grateful, yet kinda confused as to why I'd done it.  I really wanted her to teach me.  This was someone I loved and trusted.  She'd be the obvious person I'd ask, but I suddenly felt I'd been a little cocky in thinking I could just tackle this fear.

Days went by and I began watching the date of the first class grow closer and closer, and my apprehension grew stronger.

I consider myself a work in progress when it comes to body image.  I know where I have been.  I know where I am today.  I'm in great appreciation for the journey in between.  It's been alot of work.  I can honor the progress I've made to date.

It's taken me most of my adulthood, but I can finally look in the mirror and send love to my larger body.  I can appreciate the strength in my thick thighs.  I can gaze upon my wider hips and pendulous breasts and see motherhood.  I trace the scars on my abdomen and breast and remember I am a warrior goddess.  I see my aging, looser skin, and remind myself of the inner growth that came from each surgery, each childbirth.  I've done radical forgiveness work for years of harsh and unkind words to myself. 
As long as I can remember, I've had deep self judgment for not being thin and 'perfect'.
The extra weight is something that's been a part of me my entire life.  When I am ready to release it, it will happen.  I truly trust that now.  I understand there is a reason my body and my subconscious (the ego mind) still fears being without the weight.  Perhaps I won't know who I am without the weight.  Perhaps I will remember EXACTLY who I am, and that's even more terrifying. 

   
So, when old programming of cruel, self talk came streaming into my mind, I felt shocked and betrayed. 
Dammit, I love myself!  Go away!  I'm healing this!  Shut up and be nice to yourself! 
Just to offer some insight, check out this crazy train...
. 
"Ick!  You're going to wear stretchy pants, you're so flabby!?"  "Ugh, your big, giant belly will show when you stretch."  You're never going to be able to move the way you need to, you'll look like a slob."  She's going to think you're fat, lazy and worthless."  You'll look ridiculous."  "I hope we are done before the other 'normal' students come so they don't see you and make fun of you."

See what I'm talking about?  WTF.  That's all I can say...WTF.

Today was the day.  It was here.  As our 4:00 private class grew closer, I headed out the door and stopped as I passed the mirror in my yoga gear.  I turned to face it head on and tried, oh I really did try, to speak the kind words.  Instead, my shoulders slumped and I mumbled some very unbecoming stuff.  My Spirit cringed and I headed out the door.

My hands were sweating and I felt actual fear as I walked in to the location.  She greeted me with a hug and her Spirit was (I will give you one guess here...) radiating.  I had on my brave face, but felt close to vomiting.

I faced the fear.  I breathed through it.
And...
I did yoga.

In the past, I've rented video after video with various yoga instructors.  I put the DVD in, but never did it longer than a few minutes, because it felt embarrassing, discouraging and sometimes scary.  I tried to get my thick and bulky body to move like the thin, lithe instructors, but they didn't have the obstacles (bumps, curves and rolls) that I did.

But, today I did it with the help of a gentle, radiating being.  I stretched and strained and used blocks and straps.  I felt self conscious at first, then empowered, and finally graceful.  I can recognize it may not have looked graceful to others, but to me, I was a gazelle.  No, seriously, a flippin' gazelle! 
She helped me see that my body CAN twist, turn and bend into new positions.  Not the same poses as others would do, but poses for my body size. 

I left feeling bold, sweaty and renewed.  I spoke loving words of forgiveness to myself for being so tough on myself in the fear of the unknown.  I felt a deep pride for conquering a challenge.

I'm going back again.
I am going to be patient and loving with myself.
I am voluptuous.  I am graceful.  And now, I'm a yogi.

Broken Wings? Nah...tattered.

Tattered

 

 

We were headed to Lake Darling when a bird flew directly into the window of the van.  Rob and I both jumped, and then watched in amazement as the resilient little guy just bounced off and kept going.  I noted the lyrics in the song playing on the radio.  "Take these broken wings...and learn to fly again".  Nice.  Fly away little bird.

I didn't realize the true significance of those words until later in the day.

We had left the house at 7:30 am, exactly as planned.  Rob was scheduled to perform a wedding for a young, military couple in Minot at 12:00.  We would arrive in Minot by 11:00, no problem. 

7:45 we are still in town, watching the end of a 15 minute train.  Fist twang of time concern.
 
While waiting for said train to pass, Rob casually informed me he had an appointment back in Grand Forks at 5:30 that same evening.  Uhh...what?  We are going to drive all the way to Minot then immediately turn around and drive back with no break?  Why is the whole family going?  I'd certainly not have brought Kenz and the pooch with for a family outing!  It's hot, they're going to be miserable and that's a long time in the van!  Why didn't he schedule his meeting for a later time so we could have gone to the zoo or park while in Minot before heading back?  Why didn't I know this?  Poor communication.  Ugh.  I admit, I went to a bad place.

In my resulting pout, I started processing a boat load of recent business decisions.  Stinkin' thinkin' junk.
Are people upset about my decision with the store?  Was it fair to others?  Did I make a mistake going into the smaller location?  Did I encourage people to follow?  If the ones that did follow do not fare well in their own new business ventures, is that mine to worry about?  Why do I personalize others' choices?  Will I always feel "Mama Bird" guilt for pushing them out of the nest to test the strength of their own wings?  Wasn't it their own free will to fly and make choices?  Is this all ego making me feel responsible?  Heavy stuff. 

My focus comes back to the moment and the song on the radio?  "Time for Me to Fly".  Yes, I am listening.

We are following GPS and realize the destination of Lake Darling is much further from Minot than we realized.  Not right outside of town, as the couple stated.  More impact on time of arrival. 
After many twists and turns on dirt (not even gravel) roads, we ended up at a gated-off, ominous dead end sign. 

With nothing but some content cows on one side and a field of potatoes on the other, we looked at each other.  I was waiting for Rob to panic.  He didn't.  He called the couple.  They were lost too.  They all agreed to meet at Roosevelt Park right in Minot instead of hunting for this location any longer.  I looked at the clock, and immediately groaned with worry about Rob's meeting back in Grand Forks.  Rob's meeting, not mine.  Get that?  I felt stress and tension in my body about his meeting.  I caught myself, took a moment to breathe it in, and closed my eyes.  This was not mine.  Why was I taking on someone else's stuff...again? 

We arrived at Roosevelt Park in the zoo parking lot and called the couple.  They were at the other Roosevelt Park.  We were now 1.5 hours behind schedule.  Breathing.  DEEP Breathing.
Rob is still calm.  Oddly calm.  Maybe he could feel the tick tock of my time bomb?! (OooOOo)

While we waited for the couple to arrive, we walked around in the grassy area outside the van.  When they arrived, Rob went off with them to do their wedding in the park. 

Rob told us later that one of their witnesses was detoured and didn't arrive for yet another 20 minutes.  It really was laughable by now.

While Kenz, Zoe and I were waiting in the van with the AC, we started talking about elephants.  I shared a story I once read about a charging elephant.  She asked, "What would we do if an elephant charged out of the zoo right now, mom?"  We were reclined in the seat together, snuggling.  I said, "I'd just keep you wrapped in my arms and call in the angels."  She said, "Yeah, Ganesh (who she insists is a SHE and an ANGEL) is an elephant, mom, so we would be good."

Logic.

Just like that, she decided to get out and walk around outside again.  In the exact place she'd been before, she finds this:

A broken winged angel.

Ok, this is what you call one of those "You can't make this shit up!" moments.

Just laying right there in the grass, where she had just walked a few minutes earlier.
And I am once again reminded, full force...EVERYTHING always happens in the EXACT way, in the PERFECT time it's supposed to.
If we'd not had all the detours and delays and redirections, we'd not have been having a perfect moment of connection, heart to heart, in the air-conditioned van.  We'd never have found this angel and the delicate white feather right next to it.  I would not have been hit with the 2x4 of realization.
Everything about the day changed at that point.  I knew we were never 'off schedule'.

Rob contacted his couple back in Grand Forks and explained what had happened.  They rescheduled.  We had lunch at Spicy Pickle.  It was awesome.  On the road home, we took a random road behind Emerado to let Zoe run wild and free in a field, I snapped pictures of ND beauty, Rob conquered a fear and walked through a ditch filled with long grass where thousands of killer, man-eating snakes hid, and Kenz found enough rocks to fill two pockets to bulging capacity.  We were each filled with our own bliss.

Happy and parched, we stopped at the convenience store in Emerado to grab some water.  When we drove down the frontage road upon leaving, this beautiful creature awaited us:

We crept the van closer and closer as she sat on the side of the road, and she never once flinched.  Just watched us.  I opened the van door and still she trusted.  We knew she was delivering a message.

Totem meaning of hawk?
Higher perspective.  Thanks..I needed that.

I am open to higher perspective, beautiful hawk.  I am willing to let go of what I THINK something should look like, and to just appreciate all that IS.  Let go of mundane details and allow.

Great appreciation for a great day. 

Goddess of Imperfection?

Goddess of Imperfection!