The journey of life is a constant flow of experiences and new beginnings. Sometimes I feel as if it's a month to month adventure of new beginnings for my creative spirit. I've spent an incredible number of years judging myself because I actually love change. But the inner critic whispers, and sometimes screams in my ear, "Pick something and stick to it!" "You'll never amount to anything if you don't commit to something and follow through." "When are you going to settle down?"
"Uff, could you be a bigger flake?"
This winter I've been still, quiet. Listening to that inner critic. Wondering when she became so tough to please. Poking around the 'feels' of it all to see if it is mine, or if I'm taking on someone else's expectations unnecessarily. I've spent many mornings in the past few months having tea with that critic, trying to truly hear what she's got to say.
Here is what I've garnered so far. I can love and accept my willingness and sometimes eagerness to change. I'm okay with shifting, growing and switching things up. Honestly, it makes me feel alive and renewed. It brings new experiences and challenges my way, and I *loooooove* that.
What I DO judge myself for is:
1. Worrying that others won't understand and accept me for being different (flakey?).
2. Constantly gauging and weighing out how much of my opinion is okay to share with others.
3. Aiming to please others while sacrificing my own truth.
4. Taking responsibility for how much I feel others can handle of my truth.
5. Compromising my work (holding back information and suggestions) for fear of being 'too out there'.
Ugh. Who is this person? When did this happen?
I've always been on a bit of a different path. Early on, I tried my best to fit in and frankly, I just sucked at it. When I really stepped into ownership of being unique and quirky, I felt such radiance. I twirled through life and didn't give a care what people thought when I walked out of a room.
Somewhere in the past several years, I started holding back. Little by little, I started standing in boxes. Limiting myself. Smiling politely and giving people what I thought they wanted. In the meantime, I was judging myself so harshly for being hypocritical. I was the first to tell anyone I met, "Live your dream." "Speak your truth." And yet, there I was, smiling politely. I think we all do it. In one way or another. In one situation or another. Choosing the road of less said, do not rock the boat.
I've got ideas about the how, why and when this occurred. It's my process, and I will keep rooting around so as to heal it. But, acknowledging where I am at this moment is part of moving into the next phase of growth. I want to give more. I want to share more. I want to speak my observations. I want to incite dialogue and discussion. Talk. Talk. Talk. Entertain new ideas. Ponder new notions.
I'm grateful for the insight and understanding, and grateful for the gift of self judgement. It makes me aware of my shadow areas that need to be loved and nurtured. Not avoided. Loved.
The parts of self we sometimes deny, hide or feel guilt and shame about.
So, thank you judgement, my old friend, for showing me a dark corner of self to shine Light upon.
In my self assessment, I've realized it's important to honor my heart and act. So, I'm making some changes. I'm not sure how they'll unfold. I'm just taking a first step. And sharing.
I love the power of words. Cleansing. Clarifying. Solidifying. Purging. PURIFYING.
I'm releasing the Lisa Dawn Howard FB business page.
If you're called, you can follow me at a new FB page called "She UnEarthed", where I will be sharing a wide variety of topics, with more insight into who I am, and where my journey has taken me. Some may be uncomfortable with or disagree with some of my posts. That's okay.
If you read the ABOUT section of "She UnEarthed" you will see where I plan to go with the page. I'm called to speak more freely, and the word UnEarthed is a big part of the next stepping stone of my path. Or, if you'd like, you can friend request me on my personal FB page.
In addition, I'm redefining the services I offer. This will be different than what I've done in the past. Many elements are the same, but each session will be an integration of all aspects of my journey.
Deeper work, more diverse, and unique to your journey. Spirit will show the way.
If you're interested in reading more about those changes, please check out www.lisadawnhoward.com
Also, I will be offering some new classes regarding the Divine Feminine, the Ascension process, connection with the Mother and and a few other things that are in the works. Oh, did I mention an upcoming retreat? (woop woop!)
Finally, I can't forget the rocks. I've been working/meditating with stones this winter and have created a new line of jewelry based on the intentions and goals you're working on. Rites of passage, milestones, and healing. More on that to come. But..yeah...rocks, stones and lotsa love. :)
If you're interested in the next leg of the journey with this Creatrix of Change, welcome...let's do this. :)
