Yoga...with Curves and Fear.

 

A few weeks ago I had tea with a beautiful soul.  She is my friend, could sit easily in the palm of my hand, (well, not quite, but she's just cute and petite as can be) and she teaches yoga.  She also radiates.  I could finish that sentence as 'she radiates joy'...or 'she radiates peace'...or 'she radiates love',  but that would lessen her glow.  She radiates.  Period.
We were discussing a variety of things, and having a nice visit, when the words fell right out of my face, "Would you ever consider doing some private yoga lessons with me?  I can't make my big body move the way they tell me to in the videos."  (Who.  Just.  Said.  That.)

Once the words were released into the Universe, this lovely soul says to me, "Of course."

Uff Da.

I put on a good face, thanked her and we set up a few dates.  Grateful, yet kinda confused as to why I'd done it.  I really wanted her to teach me.  This was someone I loved and trusted.  She'd be the obvious person I'd ask, but I suddenly felt I'd been a little cocky in thinking I could just tackle this fear.

Days went by and I began watching the date of the first class grow closer and closer, and my apprehension grew stronger.

I consider myself a work in progress when it comes to body image.  I know where I have been.  I know where I am today.  I'm in great appreciation for the journey in between.  It's been alot of work.  I can honor the progress I've made to date.

It's taken me most of my adulthood, but I can finally look in the mirror and send love to my larger body.  I can appreciate the strength in my thick thighs.  I can gaze upon my wider hips and pendulous breasts and see motherhood.  I trace the scars on my abdomen and breast and remember I am a warrior goddess.  I see my aging, looser skin, and remind myself of the inner growth that came from each surgery, each childbirth.  I've done radical forgiveness work for years of harsh and unkind words to myself. 
As long as I can remember, I've had deep self judgment for not being thin and 'perfect'.
The extra weight is something that's been a part of me my entire life.  When I am ready to release it, it will happen.  I truly trust that now.  I understand there is a reason my body and my subconscious (the ego mind) still fears being without the weight.  Perhaps I won't know who I am without the weight.  Perhaps I will remember EXACTLY who I am, and that's even more terrifying. 

   
So, when old programming of cruel, self talk came streaming into my mind, I felt shocked and betrayed. 
Dammit, I love myself!  Go away!  I'm healing this!  Shut up and be nice to yourself! 
Just to offer some insight, check out this crazy train...
. 
"Ick!  You're going to wear stretchy pants, you're so flabby!?"  "Ugh, your big, giant belly will show when you stretch."  You're never going to be able to move the way you need to, you'll look like a slob."  She's going to think you're fat, lazy and worthless."  You'll look ridiculous."  "I hope we are done before the other 'normal' students come so they don't see you and make fun of you."

See what I'm talking about?  WTF.  That's all I can say...WTF.

Today was the day.  It was here.  As our 4:00 private class grew closer, I headed out the door and stopped as I passed the mirror in my yoga gear.  I turned to face it head on and tried, oh I really did try, to speak the kind words.  Instead, my shoulders slumped and I mumbled some very unbecoming stuff.  My Spirit cringed and I headed out the door.

My hands were sweating and I felt actual fear as I walked in to the location.  She greeted me with a hug and her Spirit was (I will give you one guess here...) radiating.  I had on my brave face, but felt close to vomiting.

I faced the fear.  I breathed through it.
And...
I did yoga.

In the past, I've rented video after video with various yoga instructors.  I put the DVD in, but never did it longer than a few minutes, because it felt embarrassing, discouraging and sometimes scary.  I tried to get my thick and bulky body to move like the thin, lithe instructors, but they didn't have the obstacles (bumps, curves and rolls) that I did.

But, today I did it with the help of a gentle, radiating being.  I stretched and strained and used blocks and straps.  I felt self conscious at first, then empowered, and finally graceful.  I can recognize it may not have looked graceful to others, but to me, I was a gazelle.  No, seriously, a flippin' gazelle! 
She helped me see that my body CAN twist, turn and bend into new positions.  Not the same poses as others would do, but poses for my body size. 

I left feeling bold, sweaty and renewed.  I spoke loving words of forgiveness to myself for being so tough on myself in the fear of the unknown.  I felt a deep pride for conquering a challenge.

I'm going back again.
I am going to be patient and loving with myself.
I am voluptuous.  I am graceful.  And now, I'm a yogi.